What My 3-Year-Old Has Taught Me
Before I begin, I'd like to note that below I talk about being a parent, losing a parent, and navigating the ride that is my motherhood experience. If those kinds of topics don't sit well with your heart today, it's ok to take care of you and skip this. Wherever you are, whatever you feel, it's acknowledged and met without judgment.
Quinn is my best, brave teacher.
I've written before about how motherhood has been, and continues to be, the most beautiful shockwave I have ever experienced. And parenting inside the pandemic while finally, truly exploring the grief of losing my dad has been the hardest internal work I've been met with yet.
And here I am, a few days away from my own birth-day (which feels like yesterday and at the same time 8,000 thousand lifetimes ago), reflecting on what it all means.
I certainly don't have a clear answer. I find myself getting curious, interrogating, hoping to find the meaning-making elements that are below the surface of everyday moments.
Parenting has been consistently stepping into the unknown for me. Cue the Frozen II soundtrack. Who else can relate to Elsa? When I stop to really think about the fact I am actively going into situations completely blind, not being sure how this is all going to shake it out in two hours let alone 2 years from now, it’s real easy for me to spiral.
Grief has worked in a similar way for me too. I have no idea when the waves will hit me. Or in the more unhealthy way, I have deliberately chosen to navigate my life by ignoring it and acting as if grief was just something that wouldn't touch me. LOL.
I explained to an old friend recently that parenting, and this season of grief/growth that I'm in, is a daily experience of heartbreak. Heartbreaking in the true sense of the word because not having my dad is just really freaking sad some days. And idk, the state of the world and what does the future really hold? Then also my heart breaks from open growth and love and sweetness and joy and pure sparkly magic at what I get to witness with Quinn.
I’ll be sitting on the couch on a seemingly boring Friday and I’ll see Q in the afternoon light from the window. I literally feel my heart burst and the only words that come out of my mouth are “This is true beauty.” Or she'll be playing and says out loud “Grandpa Patchy is calling me!” and I fully believe that she talks to my dad and that he knows exactly who she is.
It can sometimes feel impossible to stand steady admits the velocity at which the pendulum of feelings and time swings.
And yet, back to the meaning-making of it all, over the last three years of mothering I continuously learn from my little sunbeam goose. Some of these life lessons include…
Take it one step at a time
Learning something new can be frustrating and fun
A hug is sometimes all you need
Dogs give the best comfort
It's ok to feel your feelings, just don't forget to breathe
Getting anger out of your body is essential
Practice staying present to the everyday magic moments
Second-hand toys and clothes are filled with extra love
Disney is still a solid choice
Dancing is necessary for the soul
You'll do it when you're ready
Growing up is inevitable
That last line. Le sigh…
I feel like a lot of what I'm writing about here can be reframed for other aspects of life, it doesn't all have to go through a parenting lens. In tandem with each affirmation, there are more questions to hold:
How will the actions of today manifest into impact 5-10 years down the road?
What is being learned and unlearned in this moment?
What's it like to be in my body right now?
Can the acceptance of grief be a door to healing?
If you're still with me, it all goes back to the top: I certainly don't have a clear answer. And I think that might be the whole point of this thing called life.
The answers to big questions can't necessarily be sought out, can they? I think it's in the messy meaning-making moments that aren't curated or expected when the answers begin to materialize. And all of it, the big swings on the pendulum, are worth acknowledging and celebrating.
I hope you take today to celebrate you, those that you love, and how far you've come, no matter what “land” you are adventuring in.
As always, thank you for reading. I'm grateful to process and connect with you in this way.
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